"you're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow..."

this summer has been a long and winding road. cancer, mexico mission, chicago, coldplay, yoga, sickness, clumsiness, foolishness...take the good with the bad. that's often times a difficult statement to abide to. i feel limited. i feel caged. i feel in between. i feel joy and sorrow at the same time, at the same place. i don't know how. i don't know a lot of things...i feel as though i know more than the average 17 year old though, and i don't mean that in a "oh, i am so much smarted than my parents" sort of way. i know i don't know a lot, i know i'm still immature and selfish at times. but i've realized that i am worth so much more than i tend to give myself credit for. and i won't settle for less, not anymore. i want to fly and dance and run around barefoot. i want to learn and succeed. i want everything the world has to offer me, and yet i could settle for nothing and still be content.

words cannot describe how much has happened since school let out, so i'll let the pictures do the talking...

...starting off with a little bit of the mexico mission.

the church we stayed at for a night in el paso before heading to mexico.amen.
in the desert...a complete wasteland. in all honesty, i could not live like this. i don't have the heart.the nicest house i saw there.
please don't throw up your gang signs anywhere in juarez... yonke.
a beautiful yet heartbreaking place.
right after prayer, the workday began.
my kind of people.
leoooo!
chucks shot.
barbed wire everywhere.
my girls.
dancing instead of working...
typical.
let's go to the clubs with the mexican boys.
walking to the community center to use the only plumbing in the town...
sexy ladies.
graciella loves bevin.
isabella wanted a picture with me.
to be continued...

we are people building people.

off to juarez, mexico tomorrow for a missions trip. i'll be back on the 12th. we're bussing it down there. i hope to make an impact. i hope to love to my heart's fullest capacity. i hope my hands and heart touch lives. check out peoplebuildingpeople.org.

here are the boys last year with 2 of the kids. such beautiful people.

ps: i'm going to be an auntie!

keep your eyes wide, the chance won't come again...

if you know me, you know of my love for bob dylan. it's love bordering obsession. i bought my guitar because of bob dylan. i smoked my first cigarette because of bob dylan. i love bob dylan. i know all the lyrics. all the lyrics. i plan to dance to "Wedding Song" at my wedding.

my point is, on august 22nd, i get to see my love. and that, my friends, is the highlight of my summer. now go listen to a dylan song. feel the loooove.

say cheese!

can you believe how amazingly beautiful she looks, even after her first round of chemo? i admire her strength and grace more than anything. new camera, by the way. it's gorgeous. sony alpha a100 10.2mp digital slr. my new baby. i've been saving, lord knows i've been saving. dad chipped in, bless his heart. 

"And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow.

But when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself it's best to compose a poem,

An honest verse of longing or a simple song of hope. That is why I'm singing, 'Baby don't worry 'cause now I got your back.'

And every time your feel like crying, I'm gonna try to make you laugh.

And if I can't, if it hurts too bad, then we will wait for it to pass

And I will keep you company through those days so long and black."

fresh start.

every now and then, i like to change things up...start fresh, you know? well, i felt like it was time for a clean slate, so here it is. hopefully this site will begin to feel like home. i've been thinking about that word lately. home. to be honest, nothing has felt quite like home in a while.

i took this picture on the last day at my grandmother's house. we had to sell it after she died; before doing so, we (my aunt, mom, best friend, and myself) had to do a little--a lot of fixing up. my grandma and my mom's brother, who is autistic--he's the one in the doorway--had lived there for over 30 years; my mom grew up there. 

i snapped this shot when we were all saying goodbye after having worked on it for a year. we sold it to a few young men who fixed up houses and sold them for more than they bought them for...they weren't supposed to touch the house for 2 weeks after it was sold so we all could do our last minute packing and such. these guys didn't hold up their end of the deal, which was especially hard for my uncle, having lost so much, being a person who cannot cope mentally with change.

all of that being said, that was the place which really, truly felt like home to me, albeit i never lived there. so much is changing: school is out, my friends are busy living their lives while i take care of my mother. she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a double mastectomy a few weeks ago. chemo starts up soon. as does radiation. my dad isn't around much--busy with work, his biking, his drums, his bands...always busy. leaving me feeling much older than i really am.

so much is on my mind. all i want to do is figure out how to grow up without getting more weighed down. i want to feel free; i want to create; i want to contribute something meaningful; i want to love.